Being Punished for Using Facebook While Black

I have five different facebook accounts and three of them are known.

I run a business from one of those three and casually use social media from the other two.

Why do I need so many accounts you ask?

Because my main account, which operates under the name Artemis M Benn, is under constant attack for "Violating Facebook Community Standards" mainly at the hands of angry men, and spiteful caucasian women.

Do me a favour, copy and paste the following and post it,
"Your disposition is shockingly typical, but still wrong. Stay out of
urban areas and stay safe in your lil cliques. We don't want you or
ppl who think like you near our families." tag @Artemis M Benn and
let's see if you get banned.

My most recent automatic 30 day ban comes from my telling a white bajan woman- well, you can see for yourself.

No vulgarity, just a response to her telling someone to take a bunch of men into an urban community in order to force the locals to do as she pleases.

But, I'm now accustomed to white women punishing me via Facebook's moderation tools.

Don't get me wrong, white men do it as well, they say out the way shit, I respond, I hurt their feelings, then the next thing I know "Please Log In", but when I encounter white women, on a disagreement over privilege and how they approach minorities? It almost ALWAYS ends in them "Race Dialing" the "FB Police" on me for not giving them the floor to be their daintiest and most entitled.

Now we've been having this conversation for a minute, about the fact that Facebook has been intentionally silencing black voices, especially the voices who speak out most loudly against racial injustice.

With the most recent discussion reaching all the way to USA Today earlier in 2019, in an article written by Jessica Guynn, featuring AfAm school teacher, Carolyn Wysinger discussing how we're punished for discussing racial issues, or standing up to perpetrators of racial trolling meanwhile the hate speech they perpetuate goes unpunished after they report us, or the moderation bots auto filter our accounts.

Now you see where things seem to go wrong, is this whole bit about "Community Standards".

According to what was updated in 2013- "The official stated purpose of Facebook is to make the world more open and connected. Facebook's latest mission statement is that people use Facebook to stay connected with friends and family, discover what's going on in the world and share and express what matters to them."

Except, unless of course, you're expressing what matters to you in a way that distresses "The Community".

And they're very specific about who exactly their community members are.
having been banned six different times at 30 days each last year alone, for offenses ranging from calling someone a dumb ass white boy, to quoting back to a racist what they were saying, changing the nouns to reflect on them, sending a screenshot of someone's racist tirade to a public post... I'm positive Black People who refuse to behave are NOT included in the Community that requires safeguarding.

White women who advise their friends to use strong arm intimidation on urban communities to get them to behave, white men who call black women nigga bitches, and white teenagers who get to say nigga because rap songs say it's okay, that's their community.

NOT. US. NIGGA. FOLK.

I really shouldn't have such high expectations of the online white community, should I?

Hair We Have It.

Thought: (as I couldn't sleep anyway)

Fam i got locs,
I doah care bout you frowsy opinion.

The main reason men have opinions on black women who wear weaves, is because it removes their "right" to shame and devalue a black woman based on her blackness.

It's antiblackness pure and simple. Misogynoir.

Black women with our own hair exposed, are no more less than black women with our hair concealed. Das how we wanna feel.

But, men have been trained to see our value according to our proximity to whiteness. Actually, it's a much bigger problem then just men... SOCIETY itself is trained this way, thus the accommodation of men's delusional daydreams on a wider scale. (Don't look at me, go look at fucking Motown, and follow the trends coming forward, then look at your man's IG like habits)

Black men will swoon and fawn over mixed women (once their hair is 'good hair' and they look like the lil babies will be an amalgamation of their fantasies and their mothers with better hair than their picky head grandmurr  and you can argue with ya picky head grandmurr bout da), see them as complete and valid. With or without context. They can roll out with a rats nest flying on their necks, but as long as those curls and waves are present, that's still a woman. A natural woman. 

Those same black men will look at a black woman with natural edges, the ones that don't lay down and see her as unkempt and picky looking. She's unclean and lazy. They'll always have a comment or a few as a part of the microaggressions that black women face in life, discrediting the value of the whole woman, because her hair isn't as caucasian as his fantasy.

"I like my girls hair long down past dem shoulders to gimme sain to pull"- let's address this in point format shall I?

• we don't grow our fucking hair for your approval.
• my hair is not your fucking handle bar.
• I like my men paying the $250, and 6 hours it takes to get my hair dyed and styled but here we are, neither of us getting our way.
• 4C hair, isn't here for your bullshit Dennis. Our hair gets fuller, and denser and refuses to lie down and drape over out shoulders just so you can perpetuate your low-key racist fetish, Dennis. Frankly, I'm not lying down for you either. Go away.

You do realize that our hair
Is not here at your insistence that we have it
 readily available to be groped, grabbed,
and subjected to abuse for a
misplaced  racist fetish, right Burt?

• you don't get to actually yank linen hair either, you'd discover that fusion weaves don't just exist for Britney Spears.
• so, to be clear, an absolute indicator of what makes a woman to you is the length of her hair...?
• you've sexualized our fucking hair. What is wrong with you?
• a woman's hair is A PART of her identity, it doesn't define her unless she herself wants it to.
• your STILL asking us if it's real. We've been living through overenthusiastic zippers for at least 60 years, we don't walk the fuck up to you and ask if your crotch mountain is real. Oh and this doesn't need to be said to linen wo/men, the only thing y'all need to know about my hair is that you'll hurt if you touch mine.

Anyhow, when she (black woman aka God- makes everything in her image, hi Kim Kardashian, we made you, down to that slicked back ponytail you wear) goes ahead and decides to weave her hair in straight styles, his (dem miserable niggas) complaint becomes "oh she hates herself".

Nevermind that from their OWN experience, they know how black hair behaves according to climate. (or maybe they don't because they don't actually CARE for their own hair, they cut it off, wash it with whatever's in the shower and use sweat to moisturize, I don't fucking know. SEVERAL men down the line, they take care of their beards and dassit dey, again argue with ya picky head grandmurr).

Nevermind that Black men specifically, ridicule and humiliate us for any strand of hair not acting like a good creole, or dougla girl. They hate us when we're any "natural" less than fucking Alicia Keys and then express this hatred in any number of ways, from memes to long ass think pieces about how we must love ourselves more in order for them to love us, I think that's what's called irony? 

For black men, our hair, what we CHOOSE to do with it, is ALWAYS just another excuse to exercise their domineering control over our existence.

We're not to have agency over our hair. We're to have darkish skin, big asses, flat stomachs, narrow noses, Botox fresh lips, straight edges and soft loose curly hair that grows over night, and fart fucking bubble gum.

Yay black women. 🙆🏽‍♀️

*Photo compliments my friend Risée who is joyfully unbothered by people's opinions on her crown*

The Last Pudding Cup

Long ass read for those of you still trying to debate about the alleged sabotage of his "legacy".

Me, a mood.

Pill Cosby:
•grew up with his mom and dad
•served in the Navy
•has a bachelor's, master's and a doctorate
•possibly has a daughter he never claims
•made respectable comedy based on his healthy childhood
•never says Nigga.
•hosted several shows targeting black youth showing them positive experiences and images
•got 3 Emmys for one single role
•is a convicted sexual offender.
•created fat Albert and other animated television characters
•he played an obstetrician in the Cosby show
•he constantly spoke up against "bigotry and racism" in his early years
•stated that black ppl who go to prison deserve whatever happens for committing crimes anyway
•used his comedy to combat the violence of "blaxploitation" movies
•raped women by drugging them first
•worked with Spike Lee on a documentary about a racist bombing of an Alabama church.
•delivered the pound cake speech in 2004
•has a habit of paying off women to shut them up that's well documented
•is blind since 2015
•received 11 Grammy awards
•is 81 years old
•doesn't like cursing
•raped Andrea Constandt and delivered the pound cake speech in the same year
•has admitted to drugging women for him to have sex with them
•always dresses nicely
•was a physical therapist or such during his time in the Navy.

Bill Cosby's crimes run way deeper than just his sexual misconduct. His contributions shaped the narrative of what was ACCEPTABLE blackness in the United States of America.

Preparation for his reality

His work and "legacy"  defined what was unacceptable blackness and his words were accepted by the mainstream, because he was Bill Cosby. In fact his exact words "...And then we all run out and are outraged, 'The cops shouldn't have shot him.' What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand? I wanted a piece of pound cake just as bad as anybody else, and I looked at it and I had no money. And something called parenting said, 'If you get caught with it you’re going to embarrass your mother.' Not 'You're going to get your butt kicked.' No. 'You're going to embarrass your family.' " were uttered the very year he raped Angela Constandt.

Meanwhile he was behind the scenes:

•Philandering- he horn he woman left and right.
•Raping women- he admitted to drugging women to stop them from saying no
•Grooming other women so he could do either of the above
•Paying off these women
•Possibly fathering unclaimed bastards 

But yet, many can only see him as a pillar of excellence.

We claim to want justice for these kinds of crimes against women, we claim we want women to feel safe, but yet, here's the minimal amount of justice that COULD have been doled out to any one person who committed the amount of acts Bill himself ADMITTED to, and we're complaining that it's too much because he's old?

He embarrassed his family, his mother, his wife, his children, and the millions of you, whom he had not an ounce of remorse towards when he stated "We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don’t know a damned thing about Africa. With names like Shaniqua, Shaligua, Mohammed and all that crap and all of them are in jail." but we're CERTAIN this is all an elaborate trap to destroy his musty "legacy" .

Pill had a full life. He contributed immense amounts of material to our libraries. 

He is a rapist and a fraud. He is the boogeyman.

Now you know.

Ay... My Fren' Lemme Tawk Tuh You A Minute Ting...

Very recently, I was in conversation with a male friend of mine, who was observing the current episodes of gender dialogue on Barbadian social media. 
We had a fairly decent conversation about my views in particular. I thought I'd share with you guys. 

T

There are 2 things that I see on social media that I found interesting: one was something both you and Erin spoke about: that was strangers speaking to your toddlers.
I'm really ignorant to this one although I have two children. I just really want to understand why it's problematic? I'm being genuine... because strangers speak to my sons all the time but I've never been concerned

Arte

You know your children. 
In mine and Erin's cases our girls were uncomfortable and it was visible but the men ignored and insisted to continue the dialogue or tried to use the girls as a bridge between us and them because we rejected the initial conversation.

T

Ahhhh, ok I think I get it now. I was legit wondering if I was doing my kids a disservice. The question was really to understand if I was engaging in a poor parenting activity unwittingly if u get me. I speak to them at length about interacting with strangers, but I never limit it as they never seem uncomfortable

Arte

It's a power play and many ADULTS do it, I actually go harder on women than I do on men in public, because they feel my daughter is automatically to volunteer information like her name or address JUST because they're adults. I've shredded the shit outta grown women for it because they're not entitled to get her to divulge info just because they're impressed with her linguistic skill, but normal conversation, compliments on her hair or shoes she knows she can say thank you without my interference.

T

Ah ok, I get you

T attempting to work out exactly how men find themselves in
position to be suh cunty.

The other one, and this may be a bit long, but I chose to ask you because you clearly have more experience with it than my wife does: 
harassment from men
On the streets and internet
Me and my wife often discuss it because it is fucking baffling

Arte

Re: her not experiencing it, sometimes, it depends on how acclimatized a woman might be. 

I often wonder if I attract certain things physically. I changed my appearance to shield off unwanted attention, all my tattoos are to keep people away from me because I constantly used to be assaulted or groped in my early 20s, I almost got charged several times after stabbing or hitting people. 

So I gained 60lbs on top of my ink. The only thing that's changed, in terms of me being harassed and violated, is my self control. 

Apparently I'm the kind of attractive that encourages men of a certain capacity to disrespect me. 

From my facial features being open and innocent to people, [as both men and women inform me] to the way I speak, I don't sound bajan unless I consciously try so apparently I'm the image of conquest 

So when I react acidly instead of passively, again I'm breaking form to them. I'm not ladylike so they assume they were right to disrespect me. 

"My Friend, you got a man?"
Me: No, now fuck off. 

Other women rely on "my boyfriend or my husband" as a barrier to get out of situations, I refuse to. 

There's a reason I go full hype immediately. People remember bad things. Extreme reactions stand out more than the passive ones so when the guy goes to approach another girl, I usually hope they recall my violence. Given some of the public comments I've seen men I have torn into making, it works. They might be upset, and think that SOME women are "rude, and nasty creatures" but that leads them to "thinking twice before they approach some of dem women who never know how to take a lil compliment".

T

Sheesh...being on Facebook makes me ashamed of being a man

Arte
See the thing is it's not JUST men... It's an entire systemic culture. A lot of what everybody is trained to be is horrible. We train women to literally be victims or damsels. We train men to be aggressors and heroes for kudos.
But the only way to actually break through it is to address the individual issues

T

When a man says something slack to a random woman? Does that ever work? Sending unsolicited dick pics can't be an effective strategy to attaining sex. Why is it so common place? Are most men just neanderthals??? I want to know what drives it. I was never taught to speak to women in a lewd way. I was actually taught that being pleasant actually yields the best results

Arte

Theoretically, I've been told, it's the leftovers from colonialism. 

My views are men who do these things are afflicted with no esteem, so they try to take their power from women however they can. 

Sexually oppressing women who are held to a ladylike standard of behavior or they're viewed as lesser. 

They don't know a sense of self that dictates they're above anything. To them they need to keep women in check. They deserve to be rewarded for treating a woman decently in any kind of way. It's not the same as treating a man decent. Men automatically get decent treatment until they personally violate, but women now... Different rules. 

T

But my thoughts are that the piss-poor behaviour doesn't yield rewards...or does it? Are there women that giggle and blush when a random man says "my friend dat pussy fat boy. I would like to....". Or are there girls getting unsolicited dick pics and saying "wow, I bet that'd really feel good inside me...please hurry over"?

Arte

It's not as simple as getting a favorable response. 

It's more like they're FORCING you to have this interaction whether you as a woman want it or not. 

Psychologically, you've accepted it whether you want it or not. 

In other words, they're engaging in a non physical version of rape. It feeds the part of them that demands to be acknowledged as powerful. 

Why wunna comfortable with people thinking y'all ain't got an
ounce of socialized education? You mean you comfortable with
people thinking you raise up in a cave?

Men intentionally don't approach women in ways that are acceptable, this is why I don't EVER encourage the conversation about "how do I approach a woman I'm interested in?" seriously. 

I don't think men should EVER feel comfortable being seen as so mentally reversed that they don't know how, when and in what context they should approach a woman they're GENUINELY interested in. Men should be offended as fuck when people ask that question on their behalf.

T

Ok. So do you think this is an acknowledged mindset on the part of the "men"? Or is this cultural/indoctrinated. To think that it is deliberate, to me, gives these men a bit more credit for self-awareness than they deserve

Arte

It's cultural.
Systemic and ingrained
And I say this as a pick me woman who used to tell women to smile when men tell you to smile. I used to tell women accept lewd comments within a certain acceptable bracket because maybe that's the only way he learned to communicate
It changed when I realized I did ALL the right things and continued to be sexually assaulted.

Arte

I would like permission to share this conversation without naming you, do you mind?

T

Nah it's cool
I was going to continue but ...I honestly turned inward
It's honestly hurtful

Arte

It is.

T

Like...is this even something that can be fixed?

Arte

I am simply incapable of attempting to communicate respectfuly with
people who are disinterested in actual effectual solutions, but interested
in popularity. 

Annnnnnddd this is why I'm very happy to have people ON Facebook think I'm a fucking idiot who can only curse people.
I see it as the problem is people not interested in fixing anything. 
People are interested in being right, being famous, or being known.

T

So sad

Just Couldn't Rock With Those Leggings Tho

With ever a brave face,
our warrior steps forward

I want to talk about it but at the same time I'm apprehensive. 

Anyhow. 

In November someone approached me with an idea to give women a platform to express their concerns and share their experiences with instances of gender based violence towards them including street harassment, and physical and psychological domestic abuse. 

I instinctively said I support them but I am fearful of having to look back at my own experiences with such. They are painful memories to dredge up and I wasn't mentally prepared to do it. 

She insisted I should, so I coined the popular phrase and lead the charge. You know, because I'm accustomed to being the ice breaker. 

Within hours, it caught on and spread. 

Within days it went regional. 

There was a mad scramble and interviews and we realized this is going to continue gaining momentum at a rate that we couldn't manage alone. 

Other ladies were asked to help, my recollection of events was I was asked if I thought it was a good idea to bring in other people, and I said yes to the names who I will leave out because this is about me and why I left, since several people, men and women have now asked me point blank why I let it die. 

Now the initial stages were hectic, I was fully caught up in the passion, fully dedicated to this cause, not because it was mine, but because it was RIGHT. I wanted no ownership because the name may have been my brainchild, but the idea was rightfully my acquaintance's. I insisted that people recognized that because as an woman who once had my ideas stolen, I knew what was about to happen could catapult her to the spotlight and I didn't want there to be silly distractions like who claims what, coming to light. 

The weekend of December 9th came along and we pushed that campaign like mad on twitter, tying into the BBC based hash tag, mapping harassment, a 72 hour campaign that tracked the instances of street harassment around the world. 

 I got the first reach out from Georgina Rennard of the BBC, confirmed with the functioning pr rep within the organization and was given the go ahead to give an email interview, which would give us time to field questions and CAREFULLY respond and control the pace of the conversation. 

The person who had the vision for the movement, got a radio interview. By no fault of her own, she provided them with her contact number to speak directly to them. BBC does not keep radio interviews in their archives. I happen to know that. It was a contributing factor to why I chose to have a written interview. Keep in mind I was very specific in my language in my emails, identifying the person who came up with the idea and myself as the person who named it. 

They keep their radio interviews for 15 days then erase them. 

I chose to ask my mother to keep my daughter during vacation since at any point I would be called into a meeting, asked to do a radio interview, asked to do an online intervention any number of tasks that may have interrupted my perceived duty. Man I got my ass cussed out, which lead to me cussing someone out for wasting my time. Apparently I was wrong, I was too hostile in my approach, and NO ONE ASKED me to neglect my motherly duties. I will take that. 

That was the first time I revealed my issues with tardiness, having to make excuses for people being late, having to work around other people who lacked the experience to manage their time so they match the schedules of those on the ball with being where they needed to be when they needed to be there. 

I sent my mom a copy of the BBC interview and the radio interview to explain to her what I had been doing, apologizing for shoving extra duty on her, during christmas, she calmed down. 

This woman right here though? Solid as a ROCK.

Then, we in my house, lost everything. 

We lost our rent, groceries, and christmas funds and with 2 children in our home that we had to look after during the holidays, having just moved into the house, we had no choice but to take time off to pay attention to our family. 

I remain eternally grateful to the people who took a moment to ask how we made it through, when others stepped up to offer to pay anything something towards the free makeup jobs done by the mua who just lost everything alongside me, while she was scrambling to come up with simple breakfast things for both our children. My priority honestly, became focusing on how my child was doing since she was ill during that period. 

I was dead focused on the emergency popping off home, when it was brought to my attention by my former colleague, that my contribution to the movement, was being seen as “not the tone the movement was supposed to be setting”. Everyone was seeing my face, and hearing my voice, it was coming over as though I was the spokesperson for the movement and honestly it was not about me, my voice was not needed. 

I can handle labels, won't pretend they're not
cloaked in respectability tho.

At that time I was all ready to bounce like aite cool, I know when I'm being told “bish you too ghetto and popular” in a roundabout way. I'm a grown girl, I actually do know when to shove off. 

I offered to withdraw, on Dec 15th, in a private conversation with someone I respect so much, who was also giving her time in the movement, because honestly, I saw the movement as that important, women needed it. Men needed to see. My ego ain't mean that much that I can't shove it aside, and step back. Basically she asked me to chuck my attitude, swallow my pride and continue to do right by the movement. 

Anybody, who knows me, knows I struggled with that, but be christ I got it done, until the moment when I asked for something and was met with passive aggressive rejection. 

We had a meeting with a lawyer, for free, now, seeing as in my life I have genuinely had one too many meetings with lawyers, I was STOKED that one even considered taking time out for this. 

The night before the meeting, the conference chat confirmed who was to be in the meeting, directions to the meeting were posted and sent via email to make sure they weren't lost in the chat, an hour before the meeting I saw questions from my former colleague, regarding where the meeting would be, and how some people were supposed to get there. I pretty much shut up, and attended the legal meeting that I was already halfway to. We would all get the legal notes from the lawyer afterward.

The day I asked for something that was pertinent to the movement itself and was immediately met with dismissal and the world of cold shoulder, I snapped, and I was genuinely unprofessional, I called someone childish, immature and self indulgent, based on my personal feelings about things happening outside of our conference chat. 

I was wrong and I accepted that, I accepted admonishment for my actions and again, it crossed my mind to leave, and I decided to, because at the end of the day, I hate disappointing people, and the thousands of women, including Tanya Stephens, including Dr. Maria Agard, Tonni Ann Brodsy from the UN Women, who I met and researched furiously, including my own cousin, who trusted us with THEIR stories, were at this point more important than my attitude. 

I make hard decisions quickly and cleanly when I can, and the hardest decision I could make would be to pretend I was able to serve the higher purpose by being involved in an entity, already poisoned by my mere presence in it. 

I didn't start talking about women's issues with that entity, but I put women's vulnerability on the line by telling them hey look at me, you can trust me, I got you and I feel shitty because I was not strong enough to weather a storm of conflict and ego. 

People keep asking why I left, why did I push so hard, my dad was proud, because he knows how strongly I feel about this, why did I walk away right then? 

I'm a simply multifaceted woman, deciding to speak about my experiences candidly, rather than what was expected and hide away in shame, and I am not here to play respectability politics on ANY level. 

I haven't stopped doing what I do because it fell apart, I still offer women my limited resources, including being the liaison between them and the law when necessary, but unfortunately, I had to leave the movement that I named exactly where it is, on social media. 

Normally, we hear every story has two sides right?

Anyway, I'm out.

I'm The Sidechick B*tch!!

Women are some interesting creatures, now that I sit at the desk and think about it while going about my content management moments.

We are willing to present to the public the most well put together visage, the most demure and ladylike essence in order to convince the world, moreso ourselves, that we are doing the right thing for us, our lives, and our circles.

This all sounds very unlike my usual style of writing so, for now, let's assume I've gained some decree of dignified conduct which is granting me the calm to craft a blog without acting like a full flaming bitch about things that happen daily, but so often we brush it aside.

Good the greeting is out of the way.

Let's get down to business -breaks out in song- to defeat the "Huns"...

"Huns" will be my new name for mistresses.

Yes, mistresses, side chicks, other women, outside tings.

All of that list. Women involved with men (or women in some cases) who are already involved.

Particularly I want to focus on women who are involved with MARRIED men.

Hilarious isn't it, because about 4 months ago I stood accused of the same thing, apparently I have a habit of entertaining other women's men. Even married ones. I mean I'm polyamorous so clearly I have no limits or boundaries whatsoever.

I have issues with the Huns and how they handle things.

Lemme clear the air here now, I do not have any respect for the actions of women who actively pursue married monogamous men, then act silly when they are discarded.

Maybe I should repeat that, I do NOT have any respect for the actions of women, who actively pursue married monogamous men, then act silly, when they are discarded.

Even as a woman with no intent on getting married, you can see the posts on my facebook wall, with a few hours conversation around why I rebuke the concept of marriage itself. I have a fair amount of respect for the principles of matrimony.

To me that is a decision made between two people who chose to spend the rest of their lives together absolutely, choosing to join their families and become one, with a future in mind.

I have utmost respect for people who weather the odds, since about 10 out of every thousand in the Caribbean who get married, end in divorce, mind you, but that doesn't mean I see it for myself but anyway this ain't about my miserable behind.

Y'all women who get told "I can't leave her with the kids by herself," you women who happily start up an entire new life with a man WHO IS STILL ATTACHED to his wife, worry me.

I genuinely worry.

What is so off in your psyche that you invest in a relationship with someone to the point that you practically go crazy ignoring the blatant signs of him stringing you along because he doesn't want to hurt you when inevitably he dumps you?

And then you take it out on the wife.

You see her in the supermarket and sneer, you find her on social media and stalk. You call her cell to fight with her over the man that's right next to her most of the time.

You've lost all sense of self investment in the pursuit of happiness in this man, and blaming everyone but him, and yourself.

Because why?

I always have to ask why.

See, I was never cut to be the one who cheats. I actually know I need the attention that comes with a man outright letting ppl know "Yeah, she's been in my mouth at least twice this month, I've been in her mouth up to this morning." Whether he has another woman or not.

I'm poly for a reason. I entertain poly men for the same reason.

I crave the honesty.

There's no honesty in letting yourself be involved in the cycle of a bored, disgruntled monogamous, committed man.

He's going to lie, whether to you or his wife or to himself, he's going to lie.

That relationship is based on lies. Lies need to be fueled by more lies in order for the initial lie to be relevant.

That being said, what do you think, as a woman pursuing a man who has a wife, makes you so special that he'll tell you the truth, when he's lying to the woman he chose to legally bind himself to, in sickness and in health, til death do them part?

What do you think, as a woman pursuing a man who has a wife, makes you so special that he'll honestly tell you what he didn't honestly tell himself?

The hardest part about some men cheating, is coming out and telling the "Hun" that her time is up, he's done with her, it's time to go back home. She was fun but she's not the essence of the life he made with his chosen wife.

Enter the string along.

Exit all fucking common sense.

What bothers me the most is the fact that some of the most successful, intelligent, educated and well put together women, find themselves exactly here.

Watching this man struggle with the words to tell them he's no longer interested in this version. He rather go home to the comfort of his wife. He had the detour and it's gotten boring.

It hurts him to tell his "Hun" it's over for many reasons, but, only a few men can say they care about her as a human, to know that they're about to scar her but it HAS to be done.

Of course the "Huns" violently and dramatically reject this evolution.

They remind him of the good times... The fire and passion.

They attack the wife during the break up, for the more, her attitude that pushed him away, her sneakiness, she cheated, she was nasty to him etc...

And Every. Single. Time...

He still leaves, and most often goes right back to his wife.

And the damage is done.

At some point, us women are going to have to  question our value of ourselves.

Cuz the answer cannot be wallowing in infidelity and deceit.

Bully Beef Stews

*insert excessively dramatic sigh*

*adds a flounce for proper effect*



Picture if you will.

I grew up, gangly and lanky, glasses, buck teeth, sickly and too book smart. It meant I was an automatic target for the cool kids, who had to compensate for the fact that when the teacher called on them, and they stood up to offer not only the wrong response, they would have to do it loudly as our teachers demanded vocal clarity, meaning no one would let the fact that the word "achieve" is indeed spelled with the 'I' before the 'E' be forgotten until the end of that week, and the teachers would call on either myself, or two others to give the correct answer, because without fail, we already knew and were literally nodding off to sleep because we were bored waiting on the obvious.

I ruled my primary school, or so I thought, because I was the brightest, most charming, best mannered, one of the three titans who grasped sarcasm, satire, irony and cynicism with the adults around us from fairly young and we employed it ruthlessly at the expense of our classmates egos.

I never got physically bullied at primary school because I was taller than everyone, and honestly my mother was scary.

Of course primary school did not last forever.

I soon discovered that I was of average intelligence on the secondary school scene, not to mention I was ugly, poxy, buck toothed, and wore glasses, with short picky hair (I chopped off fourteen of my eighteen inches during the summer holiday because I wanted to start fresh for the new school) and absolutely no ass (at eleven years old, I had a period, mosquito bites on my chest and no ass, I was a failure in the highly sexual world of prepubescent buffoonery). I was 'bully bait', by the end of the first year I was shattered that no one found me smart, or charming for that matter, I was already accustomed to no one finding me attractive.

I was fucking shattered that no one cared about
my damn Sherlock Holmes leatherbound
collection. The nerve. 

No one gave a shit that I could bring to school literally, dozens of books or quote Shakespeare on the whim, no one cared that I was the top student at my school, in fact that was pretty much the thing that shattered me, the day I announced on introduction that I scored the highest in my school, and my classmates "stupsed" and informed me that they were on the lower scale of intelligence by passing to this new school.

Instantly defuckingflated. I shut down, tried to study, tried to soothe my wounded ego but there would be no rest for me, as I for the first time in my life got 67% on my end of year exams, and came 13th in class.

I cried for a week straight staring at that summer vacation. I was a dunce. From coming first or second in class, to thirteenth. From being everybody's favorite to being told in class that my sarcasm was an indicator of a weak mind that tries to hide it behind the weakest of wit.

Then the bullying REALLY kicked off.

Few guys tried the lunch money thing, but my mother was still not giving me money in first form, so that failed.

Then came the girls, the flat out laughter at my height weight, lack of shape, teeth, and glasses. Followed by the lines about my period and challenging me that I was diseased on occasion.

Of course there were the teachers who joined in on it, not realizing that they were creating the very same monster who would see them retired in a few years.

By the second term of second form, I had hit a wall and had a mental break of sorts.

I became outwardly aggressive as a norm.

My first fight in school I got my ass kicked by someone who would grow up to be a close friend afterward because my mother was not having none of our school beef coming home.

I told Josh about his mother, and Josh choke slammed me into the ground.

As I lay there, I had several thoughts, and not one of them was "But you gonna hit him back right?" I was at that point, outclassed, disadvantaged, and wrong, but the one thing that ALWAYS gets me in trouble isn't the fact that I am aggressive, or that I am dogged in my pursuit of justice, but always that I am an abysmal loser.

I hate to lose to the point that I simply will NOT compete, thus will never lose. Apply to everything.

So up next was turning this loss into a win, my first conscious attempt, at being petty.

* insert whimsical sigh *

I was such a brat. An entitled, obtuse brat.

Anyhow, took a few years to get over it, and few fights with people I was on par with, and people who were bigger and stronger, with their friends, but I didn't care. I was now taking my power back from people physically. Every time anyone tried to bully me I shunned a crew and stood alone, sometimes I cried about it, like when my period wouldn't stop and every day I had to change uniforms, when I sucked a dick because sex hurt and he talked about it. When people would tease me to kingdom come about my mum kissing me on the forehead and I still got affected, but it all fueled me.

I became a physical enforcer type at school. I had my moments of being a bully too, but, I never had the taste for it, picking on inferior or weak people was never my thing, too much work, little to no pay off.

I instead, chose to battle the bullies. To stand up to them and show them that for all their trash talking, picking on first formers asses, they weren't shit.

I had good days, when I was loved by my friends, and annoyed the hell outta the guy tryna cut in front a first former aggressively tryna get lunch from Mrs. Hope because my big ass mouth was the first one to raise the "NOT TUHDAY BADDY" cry. Breaking up fights in the junior school with Jubei because we really didn't want to have to deal with our year head interrupting our classes for the fifth time that week.

I had bad days, when I hit a young lady with a hockey stick and went to beat her down for wrongfully hitting a boy she thought hit her only to hear my best friend screaming from her spanish class telling me to put the hockey stick down and think about my exams. When I laughed along with the guys at the younger kids trying to be cool, and ending up physically hurt because of "kicks and bites".

I walked a different path, and to this day, as an adult, I appreciate it.

I don't have some elevated sense of justice, I get a feeling of satisfaction when I stand up for someone who didn't think anyone would, sometimes I let it fill me with light, other times I just move on from it because I know I got some fucked up standards at times.

The one thing, that I will maintain to this day, is there is nobody who I will let bully me, or anyone I care deeply about. I have left jobs based on this premise and I regret nothing.

I have a clear definition of what bullying is to me, and why ever so often you would see me NOT get into things to defend anyone that people assume is being bullied.

We tend to think someone getting attention and not being forgiven for their actions, being called to answer for their actions is bullying, but that's not really it.

Bullying cannot be used to describe a reaction to bullying.

Bullying is when you have the power over the individual, and you exert that power, trying to force the individual or group, into your will at their own comfort's expense. Trying to humiliate them so they no longer feel confident in their world.

Attempting to have them ostracized by threatening other people with implied (or other) consequences if they decide not to join in on the intimidation or support of said actions.

To me, bullying is you trying to hurt me by erasing my sense of self worth.

Bullying isn't you coming and telling me "I think you're a bitch". That's merely a strong opinion you're voicing. I don't have to agree with it, on the spot I can reject it and walk away from it and be cool.

I can reference it, and make light of it, because it was given a voice.

Bullying is after I remove myself, you come back, to again inform me, "I think you're a bitch!!" This time, you're making more noise, and invading my space. You're calling friends to come watch the show and join in on it, actively endorsing the action in order to displace my sense of self, you're trying to diminish my own comfort levels.

My reaction can be to ignore you, or strike back, but be christ, my reaction would not be bullying because YOU went out of your way to come to me, to make me uncomfortable, not just once, but again, with intention.

You gon take what you get though.