Ay... My Fren' Lemme Tawk Tuh You A Minute Ting...

Very recently, I was in conversation with a male friend of mine, who was observing the current episodes of gender dialogue on Barbadian social media. 
We had a fairly decent conversation about my views in particular. I thought I'd share with you guys. 

T

There are 2 things that I see on social media that I found interesting: one was something both you and Erin spoke about: that was strangers speaking to your toddlers.
I'm really ignorant to this one although I have two children. I just really want to understand why it's problematic? I'm being genuine... because strangers speak to my sons all the time but I've never been concerned

Arte

You know your children. 
In mine and Erin's cases our girls were uncomfortable and it was visible but the men ignored and insisted to continue the dialogue or tried to use the girls as a bridge between us and them because we rejected the initial conversation.

T

Ahhhh, ok I think I get it now. I was legit wondering if I was doing my kids a disservice. The question was really to understand if I was engaging in a poor parenting activity unwittingly if u get me. I speak to them at length about interacting with strangers, but I never limit it as they never seem uncomfortable

Arte

It's a power play and many ADULTS do it, I actually go harder on women than I do on men in public, because they feel my daughter is automatically to volunteer information like her name or address JUST because they're adults. I've shredded the shit outta grown women for it because they're not entitled to get her to divulge info just because they're impressed with her linguistic skill, but normal conversation, compliments on her hair or shoes she knows she can say thank you without my interference.

T

Ah ok, I get you

T attempting to work out exactly how men find themselves in
position to be suh cunty.

The other one, and this may be a bit long, but I chose to ask you because you clearly have more experience with it than my wife does: 
harassment from men
On the streets and internet
Me and my wife often discuss it because it is fucking baffling

Arte

Re: her not experiencing it, sometimes, it depends on how acclimatized a woman might be. 

I often wonder if I attract certain things physically. I changed my appearance to shield off unwanted attention, all my tattoos are to keep people away from me because I constantly used to be assaulted or groped in my early 20s, I almost got charged several times after stabbing or hitting people. 

So I gained 60lbs on top of my ink. The only thing that's changed, in terms of me being harassed and violated, is my self control. 

Apparently I'm the kind of attractive that encourages men of a certain capacity to disrespect me. 

From my facial features being open and innocent to people, [as both men and women inform me] to the way I speak, I don't sound bajan unless I consciously try so apparently I'm the image of conquest 

So when I react acidly instead of passively, again I'm breaking form to them. I'm not ladylike so they assume they were right to disrespect me. 

"My Friend, you got a man?"
Me: No, now fuck off. 

Other women rely on "my boyfriend or my husband" as a barrier to get out of situations, I refuse to. 

There's a reason I go full hype immediately. People remember bad things. Extreme reactions stand out more than the passive ones so when the guy goes to approach another girl, I usually hope they recall my violence. Given some of the public comments I've seen men I have torn into making, it works. They might be upset, and think that SOME women are "rude, and nasty creatures" but that leads them to "thinking twice before they approach some of dem women who never know how to take a lil compliment".

T

Sheesh...being on Facebook makes me ashamed of being a man

Arte
See the thing is it's not JUST men... It's an entire systemic culture. A lot of what everybody is trained to be is horrible. We train women to literally be victims or damsels. We train men to be aggressors and heroes for kudos.
But the only way to actually break through it is to address the individual issues

T

When a man says something slack to a random woman? Does that ever work? Sending unsolicited dick pics can't be an effective strategy to attaining sex. Why is it so common place? Are most men just neanderthals??? I want to know what drives it. I was never taught to speak to women in a lewd way. I was actually taught that being pleasant actually yields the best results

Arte

Theoretically, I've been told, it's the leftovers from colonialism. 

My views are men who do these things are afflicted with no esteem, so they try to take their power from women however they can. 

Sexually oppressing women who are held to a ladylike standard of behavior or they're viewed as lesser. 

They don't know a sense of self that dictates they're above anything. To them they need to keep women in check. They deserve to be rewarded for treating a woman decently in any kind of way. It's not the same as treating a man decent. Men automatically get decent treatment until they personally violate, but women now... Different rules. 

T

But my thoughts are that the piss-poor behaviour doesn't yield rewards...or does it? Are there women that giggle and blush when a random man says "my friend dat pussy fat boy. I would like to....". Or are there girls getting unsolicited dick pics and saying "wow, I bet that'd really feel good inside me...please hurry over"?

Arte

It's not as simple as getting a favorable response. 

It's more like they're FORCING you to have this interaction whether you as a woman want it or not. 

Psychologically, you've accepted it whether you want it or not. 

In other words, they're engaging in a non physical version of rape. It feeds the part of them that demands to be acknowledged as powerful. 

Why wunna comfortable with people thinking y'all ain't got an
ounce of socialized education? You mean you comfortable with
people thinking you raise up in a cave?

Men intentionally don't approach women in ways that are acceptable, this is why I don't EVER encourage the conversation about "how do I approach a woman I'm interested in?" seriously. 

I don't think men should EVER feel comfortable being seen as so mentally reversed that they don't know how, when and in what context they should approach a woman they're GENUINELY interested in. Men should be offended as fuck when people ask that question on their behalf.

T

Ok. So do you think this is an acknowledged mindset on the part of the "men"? Or is this cultural/indoctrinated. To think that it is deliberate, to me, gives these men a bit more credit for self-awareness than they deserve

Arte

It's cultural.
Systemic and ingrained
And I say this as a pick me woman who used to tell women to smile when men tell you to smile. I used to tell women accept lewd comments within a certain acceptable bracket because maybe that's the only way he learned to communicate
It changed when I realized I did ALL the right things and continued to be sexually assaulted.

Arte

I would like permission to share this conversation without naming you, do you mind?

T

Nah it's cool
I was going to continue but ...I honestly turned inward
It's honestly hurtful

Arte

It is.

T

Like...is this even something that can be fixed?

Arte

I am simply incapable of attempting to communicate respectfuly with
people who are disinterested in actual effectual solutions, but interested
in popularity. 

Annnnnnddd this is why I'm very happy to have people ON Facebook think I'm a fucking idiot who can only curse people.
I see it as the problem is people not interested in fixing anything. 
People are interested in being right, being famous, or being known.

T

So sad