Burning the Bridges Without Remorse

Weeeellll... 

Somehow this weekend I got the good common sense up to begin a conversation with the absent denying father of my child's mother. 

Who in essence would be the grand mother of my child. If she were to be accepted by myself as such. 

Which ... isn't going to happen. 

After 3 years of my running from that conversation, which addresses the fact that I had no idea his other child's mother were actually involved - I DID NOT KNOW, I WAS TOLD SHE WAS A SITUATION AND HE'S SINGLE- long story short, my daughter was born 6 months after the other daughter was born, and mine is the one that's trying to be forced on a man (by forced, he means I simply have admitted HE is the father, not that I ever want a penny from him, nor him to get pictures, since he's been deported FROM Barbados TO Guyana for being a too stupid to know when to quit jackass, not that I want him to do such stupid and hypocritical bullshit as call us asking how the child he said he would rather see dead in my belly with me dead as well, the child he cursed to suffer and told me if she ever comes around him again he will hurt her, I simply say he is the father, and I am FORCING a child on him) who had me all up in the club, as his wings, had me hired at the club to be his supervisor, who was distributing his meager $250 pay stubs come the end of a week,  who everyone swore was his girlfriend going and coming, because no one else ever saw the real girlfriend. 

I finally chose to reach out to his mother, because she apparently had reached out to me, and I shot it down shortly after my daughter was born (I dont want him in her life for any reason before she is old enough to accurately pull a trigger to defend her life and be able to hit that target without second guessing herself, knowing that it is her life, or whatever is coming at her, any ties to his mother at that time seemed like a window for him to slither through).

I felt that as a woman, I needed to close that chapter and make my stance clear, I don't want anything from her, nor him, or any member of the family. I simply wanted to answer her unasked questions because I know how it can feel being completely left in the dark regarding a relative. 

So I contacted her via the other daughter's mother. 

Lord Krishna what a stupid idea. 

Now Baby Mama #1 and I are cool, we talk like regular girl friends, after all she REALLY got to the bottom of that man's insanity shortly after my daughter was born and began to see that I wasn't lying about anything regarding his sociopathic delusions. 

Grandmother doesn't like that at all, of course not, here I am, calling her son's name with my bastard baby, and everybody knows I slept around with Toohoo, Baku and La.  (funny ... no one else knew that but that's what he's told his entire family and close circle... I chuckle at the fact that none of them know fuck all about me, but know EVERYTHING about me from a man who has been a whole Sergeant in some American Army - but still got deported from there too- and on loan to the Barbados Defense Force as some "trainer" - yet trained down in Rodney's gym instead of the on the BDF grounds , posted in Afghanistan, draws anime -which looked eerily like my best friend's work, in fact, it was my best friend's work- and writes poetry, sleeps with any 8 women who can pay for his latest brand stuff ... yeeeeeeah... ok).

Anyway, after my written monologue to her, I felt lighter, I don't want her approval or acknowledgement of the child, definitely don't want his. 

I felt closure, I felt like if I could now stop looking over my damn shoulders and let my child live freely, I felt completely relieved that I don't have to do that again. 

I certainly am not the first, last nor only woman to have gotten pregnant for a man who has no interest in being the father of her child, who's tried his hardest to destroy her character -good luck buddy, my reputation is everyone else's business, my character however, is mine, and I am ruthlessly efficient at keeping it at the top of the field- 

But I am the woman who is now more than ever, prepared to be the BEST MOTHER my child could ever have had, and overjoyed to know I missed the bullshit drama ferry!