Addiction

Everyone thinks they know me.

Everyone thinks they understand me for where I have come from, been through and done in the past.

Truth is, I don't even know me.

Or maybe I do but I don't have a clue what it is I'm looking at.

I've been managing several different addictions on my own, and up until a month ago I was getting it done.

Then something happened and I just let go control, thinking it was for a little bit, but everything collapsed.

Now here I am questioning my sanity, my resolve, my so called ability to control myself before everything.

The only thing I know for certain is I can see that I am losing control.

The time I spend with my daughter, I'm fine, but when I'm functioning without her, I have to have at least 2 vices present.



Everything I worked on for the past 3 years, to suppress have all come back and in roaring form, pain, sex, drugs and alcohol...  and I'm losing the struggle.

Beginning to doubt I ever had control in the first place.

And because of how I am, I face it alone most of the time, unless I run away, but I can only escape for a few moments and then I'm alone again.

There are no 12 steps to control for me.

I don't know anything but excess, I revel in it.

The major difference now, is I respect the consequences because they affect the one person I value more than my own weak existence, if not for her, I would be that cold shell who left the clubs 3 years ago and never cared to call back the next day.

How long until I make the mistake and forsake her to answer the beast that is my nature?

I managed to screw up everything and then some, in a month, so, I understand it is a grim eventuality I face that one day I won't be able to pull back, I won't be able to, or want to stop myself.

Guess I for all my talk am the essence of a hypocrite, I lack control to even master my own bullshit but can sit here doling out advice, like some omnipotent screen shrink.

Believe I am terrified, because all I know is to do it alone, and I have yet to meet anyone who can endure me long enough to really impact my own stubborn will.

See, everyone thinks they know me, but they can never know the silent tears that fall as I realize I will fail her because I lack the simple strength to keep my own demons in check.

The same demons that brought me to her, are the ones that will cost me the most valuable treasure ever.