Bubbling Pot Of Expectations.

I have never hidden the fact that I preferred to date younger men, in fact I made that common knowledge for most of my adult life. 

I found myself attracted to the virility of youth, the power of a younger man's ego and convictions, their zest for more in life and the fact that they were not jaded so, we often had more time to enjoy each other. 

Of course then I deviated from this pattern, and got impregnated by someone slightly - not significantly - older than I, resulting in a complete reboot of what I thought had been my final programming. 

Fast forward, I am now a thirty year old woman. 

Do you know what that means for me? 

You don't ? 

Neither do I. 

"youthful virility" ... go on ... judge me.

Honestly I went through the panic before I turned 30, worrying that I had achieved absolutely nothing besides becoming a single mother and disappointing my own mother further by being unwed and underachieving in any set career mode. Then the big day came and honestly, it was over so quickly and my mind adjusted to telling people " I'm 30 " without so much as even a blink to calculate. 

The major changes came though, I became quite aware that I am playing the ass with my time, and also aware that I have been hitched to shit that is also not worth my time. 

So I began to hustle like there's no tomorrow. 

I have officially been unemployed since October, but haven't actually been out of work for any more than 2 weeks at a time, making enough for the period that I am employed within to hold me over, once things were good. 

I began taking a microscopic view of my "relationships", and realized that the main one was a waste of time. It was not growing in any direction. Completely moribund, to be honest. 

Get your minds outta the gutter, it is a measurement regarding intellectual
... erm... growth? 

My sexual interests were replaced by an extreme hunger for intellectual challenge and emotional capability. I am an alpha-female, the glaring truth remains that there is no male, incapable of forming a basic conversation with me regarding public issues, who remains soft and malleable under my ferocity and unwavering bellicose attitude, that is capable of being involved with me for a period of time longer than seven months. 

As nature would have it, the stars aligned that fateful night of the first Blood Moon/ Lunar Eclipse. 

Long story short, I ended up meeting someone so dynamic they have continued to leave me hungry to sidle up into their mind, and just get inside that head of his and run around naked until I am intimately familiar with every corner dark and light. 

Here's the big kicker for me.. 

annnnnnnnnnd just like that... they done fucked me right up.
Ton and a Half of bullshit... how am I supposed to choose here?

He's 10 years older than I. 

Not much to you eh? 

Since I turned 18, I have only ever been seriously involved, with 2 men 6 years my senior, never a day more, and my BEST relationship, - security, dexterity, lack of conflict, support, attraction and raw affection outweighing all others- was with a guy 2 years my junior. For me, ten years is a massive leap. Ten years is the culmination of all my fears of him wanting to control me, to own me, to possess me, and losing my identity in his, ten years is the difference between stamina and lethargy, ten years is me wanting to go out and shake my ass every now and then, maybe hit a strip club, and a man telling me he's not into that so I MUST stay home to keep up the appearance that I am the doting and controlled girlfriend. 

That ten year difference has terrified me out of talking to many a man in the past, because right out the gates they all demonstrated, both verbally and non-verbally any three or more of my fears. 

Then I met him, at a blasted bondage themed party of all places, and he made me question everything I thought I knew. 

Conversations were ripe, conflicting opinions were met with perfervid debate and never ending cycles of conversation which feel so natural I have to remind myself ... "OLD BOY IS RIGHT ON THE CUSP OF OVER THE FUCKING HIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! " and then poke in a quick jib to bring us both back to reality. 

The real shocker is his appreciation of my candor and dismally disguised abruptness, he relishes it, like a man who has been fed simple gruel every day for years, and then he's introduced to lasagna. In fact, he matches it, completely comfortable baring all his sins for me to pick whichever I find distressing, of course this process takes time, as we're feeling out the terrain that we will be walking upon.

We have gotten to the point where it has been stated " every relationship begins with this excitement, then that quickly wanes, and complacency takes over, the difference with us should at least be the fact that neither of us seems to be the least bit interested in getting so comfortable, as to get bored with the other." 

... 

Just like that I'm off on another adventure, and I think I might like my new company more than any other. 

My expectations have never been lower, as I expect nothing. Only honesty, and he seems mature enough to understand and deliver on that.