Motherhood Really Ain't For Everybody At Every Time

Understand I was into 26 weeks gestation, only thing that looks pregnant
is my nose. 

People throw their expectations and fantasies on other people so easily.

I've lost babies.

Not a baby.

Babies.

I forced myself to endure my last​ pregnancy. I forced myself to smell my own skin and take the subsequent repulsion, and hurl memories of food I tried to consume, straight into whatever was present, because I knew I could not live with myself if I had to cancel another life, because it was again taking my own. I forced myself to prepare mentally, even though inadequately, for 40+ weeks of nothing but fear and rebellion, knowing that I would do it alone, having lost everything I ever had, having lost my home, my "friends" and basically my sanity at some points. I forced myself to walk the path to motherhood. 

When you come from my size down to 60 lbs lighter including the baby, in 6-7 months and some cunt on a thread starts talking about how pregnancy was the best thing to happen to you and how grateful you should be to be able to carry a child, because "other women..." You feel the frustration build up as the incredibly ignorant, selfish individual keeps going on and on.

Annnnnddddd then they toss in the complimentary "I love my children" like if you don't fucking love yours. I mean I survived vomiting blood, going days without eating anything other than ramen and drinking the essence of the moon and this bitch, gonna look at me and act like she's the only one who loves her child. I made it through being so weak all I could do was roll over and throw up, tears streaming down my face because I can't remember when last I felt the baby kick, and I can't even muster up the strength to drag my backside down the stairs to get something to eat or even bathe, for this bitch to think she loving her children, somehow cancels out my love of my child because I refuse to have another one, or even that it cancels out another woman's right to refuse to have a child of her own. 

Trust that humanity ain't done with you yet.

Rewind further to before you decided to sacrifice your health and sanity to carry a child for the 5th gatdamn time, you're scrolling through some social media platform's time line and come across the usual ignorance about abortions and how they only ever drag out the baby with rudimentary forceps, annnnnddddd you're going to scroll on past it but you realize the nincompoop who posted it, IS A MAN.

AND HE HAS OPINIONS HE SWEARS ARE VALID.

Being the young dumb idealist you are, you engage him, full of emotion, knowing full well it will end badly, but at least you can expect the support of other women, as you know or so you were convinced up to this point, that only a woman could be able to fully grasp the physical, and psychological trauma of having a fetus removed prematurely from your body, especially under the weight of societal expectations, which bear solely on your shoulders as a woman. Men never have to hear that they murdered babies after they insist they aren't ready to be fathers, or they can't afford to have a child with you. Yet here this jackass is, adamant with the support of other women, that any woman who terminates a fetus for any reason including her failing organs and the baby's severe underdevelopment, (diagnosed by actual medical professionals), is indeed a monster for killing HER baby.

You cried yourself to sleep again, because you still get haunting dreams of a toddler pulling your toes and laughing while running out of the room, dreams of the extra weight you never got to feel on your front side, but here is this dude talking a bunch of shit about how women were built to carry babies and any woman who doesn't fulfill her purpose is a waste and should be imprisoned.

I hated him and the women who followed his dumb ass so much that the other day when I saw his face in the court section for one of the most stupid crimes ever, a small smile of karmic appreciation spread across my lips.

Fast forward to present day.

Look at us now, we're mommies. We made it. For me it was an irresponsible decision to make, but there are no regrets, I decided to suffer what I had experienced four times before, and carry on MY legacy.

I did not expect anything of her sire, as he was incapable of feats of honesty in any way, straight up until the last time we held discourse between ourselves, last Mother's Day, almost a year ago when she was still four and again I extended the olive branch of peace, to attempt to give him the chance to consider being a parent. We still here in single-parentdom.

Yet, everyday I still hear and see women, chastising other women for NOT choosing to sacrifice their minds and bodies to bare children, what baffles me is the fact that it is mostly single women doing this. Everyday I watch these inconsiderate heffas downplay the plight of women who chose not to torture themselves, who could have tried but have to face the reality that it is NOT going to be in their future, not financially, not physically, not even hopefully, to carry a child. Everyday child raring is reduced to simply stories of pretty morning sickness that everyone can look back at and laugh. 

Never mind the fact that more of us have nearly died than we care to admit, never mind the fact that we can write you volumes of our fears brought into reality, when we slipped and fell, or the car hit, or our placenta detached before it's time, or the baby stopped breathing because the cord wrapped around her neck and we're halfway through labor, or we developed diabetes and didn't even realize it and now we can't feel anything from our left hip down. We are supposed to WELCOME this madness with open arms "because women..." Right?

Single women, who have sired bastards, and complain BITTERLY about the lack of support they get from the fathers of their wards, are the ones who complain about other women, refusing to walk or possibly hobble the red mile. Every day they try to convince the women who are busting ass to be better career women, better educated women, better aunts, better children, that to be whole women, they must be mothers.

28 years old, 65 lbs underweight, uncomfortable,
self conscious and eating everything in sight. 

And all of me is confused as fuck, because I am a mother, and the only thing I am better at than those unshackled women, is hiding how much duct tape I'm using to hold my life together most days.