Big Booty Problems Again

Being a former adult entertainer (technically you can still call me one because of what I tend to base my writings on) gives me a small advantage over other women in regards to our relationships with men, in my opinion.

Being objectified for pay, helped me to understand the animal that is a man, while helping me to understand the animal that I am as a woman.

I'm not the most gorgeous girl, BUT, I am notably sexually attractive, it is just me, and it helps that I am aware of that “power” as many would put it. That was what helped me to survive dancing in a club and move on to dancing for private parties (better money, less stressful, safer for me, that was my experience) rather than stay in the club struggling to keep it on the hush, and being repulsed by the men who kept coming back trying to woo me with promises of a better life (I've checked their girlfriends and wives, life ain't get nuh better!!)

Anyhow, the reason any of this is important is because my interactions with men from the strippy, is what has set the foundation for my interactions with men today.

I am fine being objectified, I am a sexually attractive woman with body parts that men find themselves attracted to, well, men and women if we're going to be honest.

You would not believe the fanclub this
big old ass has. 

What I am not fine with, is starting seriously relationships based on the fetishism of my body by a man.

Something I KNOW from the club scene, is where most men's minds lie.

I have a great ass, my great ass, makes men want to be involved with me, they themselves tell me, “I would love to wake up next to that ass”, which I'm sure they believe is a compliment, and I cannot take it personally because most women generally respond to such flattery quite positively.

Most women aren't ex strippers who are accustomed to being observed as tits and ass and the tricks her ass can do, along with other body parts, that make her somewhat of a legend.

Confident women don't care if you say it, but we KNOW you see it.

I had an experience with a sweet, kind guy, he ain't a good boy, he ain't a nice guy, he ain't a bad boy, he's just a guy, who liked me, and wanted to try a relationship with me, and for a while we did try.

I just couldn't commit to it, because he was not hiding the fact that the only thing he was attracted to on me, was my ass. We never had a single conversation about how I handle life when we're not around each other, never once really got deep into our parenting lives, as we're both parents. He never even really looked at the idea of us spending time together outside of his bedroom.

He was affectionate, adoring and somewhat respectful to me in all the right ways, but, he treated my body like the only purpose it serves was to sexually satisfy his yearning for a big old ass to rub on.

He spent more time complimenting my ass alone than he spent actually in discussion with me about anything, yet, we were supposed to be in a regular boy friend/girlfriend relationship. It frustrated me because as a woman, I can recognize a good guy, he was indeed a good guy, but he was also only capable of seeing me as the big booty girl he always wanted to test run.

Sex was difficult for me because, as much as I happily claim my slut status, I need to connect with my lovers. I had no connection with him. There was little to no real foreplay for me, and I ended up disinterested in sex with him. For the first time in my life, I craved cuddling and non-sexual physical contact to make me feel like I was genuinely appreciated, rather than sexual contact to show me how much.

Don't come at me thinking you got some
exotic stripper, and think I won't treat
you like some lousy john. 

I decided to get out of it before resentment set in, one of the things the process of becoming self aware has gifted me, is my ability to predict how I will react to situations, and with him I could see I was about to become bitter and angry because he was doing exactly what men who paid me to be their entertainment, so they could get off on watching or touching my ass would do, but he wasn't paying me.

He was hurt, because he knows he's a good guy, here I am telling him he's a good guy, but yet he was not “good” enough for me.

It's only now I can write this out, months after, and I can understand it for myself. I do not want to be fetishized to the extent that all that a man sees is my body parts.

I am a whole woman, with a brain, heart and body together, I use each of them to exist, and I tend to prefer my lovers to appreciate the presence of each of them.

Sure, rub on my ass and bite it, but at least care about what goes on in my mind, at least show me that you can rub that ass cheek, while talking about the reason I never fall asleep with a man's arms around me.

Treat me like a stripper, and I'll treat you like a fare.